life and death and another damn summer

okay so the post below was written in 2009. Summer of 2010 was not only not better, but it was worse. A dear close friend died suddenly of a heart attack at age 57. My age. And his age. And the wrong age to die. Then my mother had open heart surgery - a triple bypass. She is 83 and she made a great recovery, for which i am very grateful. Then my dog, just like last summer, needed an operation to repair a torn ACL. The vet said last year when he fixed the left one, "the right one will tear in a year or two." And he was correct.

On top of ALL that, my son went off to his freshman year at college. And did he go to one of the many California colleges, where I might see him every other weekend or so? No, he went to Tennessee. Granted the school he chose has the best program for him. But really, 2000 miles away? Hey, isn't that a Pretenders song?

life and death and the whole damn summer

pay attention to chest pains. richard almost decided to ignore them. denial is a powerful thing. but he did go for tests and they did find a problem and he did get a stent. and now he is healthy and happy in that way of people who realize they could have died. me, on the other hand, well, I am exhausted from thinking about all the things that would be horrible if he died. from the mundane to the heavily spiritual.

thanks to songs, however, i can ride along a crest of sad songs, love songs, happy songs and recover my equilibrium.

on another note: the weirdest song ever about a stalkerish obsessive love affair is Connor Oberst singing "The Calendar Hung Itself." with lines like this:

"Does he walk around all day at school with his feet inside your shoes?
Looking down every few steps to pretend he walks with you.
Oh, does he know that place below your neck that is your favorite to be touched
and does he cry through broken sentences like I love you far too much?"

and it's sung at a fevered pitch. creepy! and somehow deliciously wonderful.

Netherland

Yep, I'm a "dedicated follower of fashion." I only read this book because it was reported that Obama was reading it. So I was curious and bought it. Glad I did.

Here's the synopsis (courtesy of papermag.com):

"In Netherland, he has tackled the defining historical event of his own lifetime -- 9/11. The frail individual here is Hans, a Dutch banker who, after the Twin Towers fall, retreats into a state of limbo at the Chelsea Hotel. Abandoned by his wife and son, Hans wanders the city in a state of emotional paralysis until an afternoon on Staten Island, when he stumbles upon a diverse cricket league made of doormen and taxi drivers. Striking up a friendship with umpire Chuck Ramkissoon, a charismatic Trinidadian, Hans discovers a different New York, one that forces him to define his own moral boundaries."

My take? it's very slow and elegiac, very beautiful. Not a lot happens on the page, but a lot happens outside the first person narrative. 9/11 is barely mentioned at all, but it is the huge undercurrent that moves along beneath all the events. The end is told at the beginning, yet I still found it compelling and hard to put down. The writing is beautiful - sometimes too much so (I just wanted to know what happens some of the time!). It won a Pen/Faulkner award and I'm glad it did. A very haunting and lovely and ultimately sad book (with a modicum of redemption - but not much).

So, Obama had good taste with this book. I take my recommendations wherever I find them!

Next up: the fantasy novel by an Aussie writer, that takes place in Russia (?): A Veil of Gold.

people of the book

just finished People of the Book by Geraldine Brooks and while it annoyed me many times, it is also quite beautiful AND had me on wikipedia. why? to read about the sarajevo haggadah, the history of sarajevo, the history of sephardic jews, and to get some visuals on aboriginal art. so actually, i have to love a book that takes me in all those directions and makes me want to know more!

cool line: "They will build me a temple and I will dwell in them - in them, not in it." it feels like the beginning - or the end - of a poem.

a map of the universe

in a book i just completed, The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet (a novel by Reif Larsen), the main character - a 12 year old boy - suggests that we are born with a map of the universe in our brain. we just have figure out how to access it within all the folds and crevasses and hidden valleys of the brain itself. this is both scientific and fantastical. both at the same time. beautiful.

almost summer

almost summer which means that i will return to writing daily on my blog and i will begin working on the novel that has been dancing around in my head for months. i am teaching a science fiction and fantasy writing class at the beginning of summer and i think it is as much or more for me to get motivated, than for the students.

horseback riding, badly

It seemed so simple. Get on a horse and ride for an hour up a hill to get to where the zipline starts. Yow! I had some vague idea that you have to hold on to a horse with your thighs. I tried, lord I tried. But my thighs were weak and my horse was bouncy. Sure, other people had horses that just plodded along, happily following some other plodding horse. Mine was annoyed that he (she?) wasn't at the front and he kept trying to push past the others to GET to the front. When we came to a more open area, he veered off the path and took off running. Well, probably just a canter or something but it felt like a full gallop to me. I bounced all over the place, desperately trying to squeeze his sides with my thighs, and hold on to the horn on the saddle, while pulling back on the reins with my other hand. He did not like me trying to stop him. I could tell he was very annoyed to have me on his back. I wish someone had a video camera because I KNOW I bounced all over the place like a rag doll and looked absolutely ridiculous! Brianna was the same - at first the two of us laughed so hard we couldn't hold on, but then it just went on forever, so the humor was over. Others went past us, in perfect horsemanship form: Jenna, Claudia, Ian, Katie, Alex. Damn them!

After the zipline, we were to ride the horses back down the hill. I opted for a ride in the trailer pulled by a tractor. While I wasn't falling off a horse any longer, I was bounced JUST as much as this trailer hopped and skipped over a very rocky dirt path that wasn't actually appropriate for a trailer. No relief until it was all over and we got back on the bus. The best part was that the bus took us into La Fortuna and we had hamburgers! Then there was a terrific rainfall, the only rain of our 8-day stay, and after that we went on to the hot springs.

rollin' on the river

white water river rafting has the longest name of a sport that goes by really fast. i love it! it's like a roller-coaster in the water. the best part is when the boat turns sideways in the rapids and a huge wave comes splashing over me. nothing like getting wet and bouncing up and down at the same time!

at one point, we got stuck on rocks (the river is low - not enough rain) and Manuel (the guide) had to get out and stand on a rock to try to pull the boat off. mind you, this was in the middle of a rapids, so water was whooshing past him. Daniel wasn't paying attention for some reason and all of a sudden he just leaned backward and fell off the boat. but it was funny, because there was only about a foot of water where he fell. he landed on a rock and he could just stand up and get back in again. if the water had been deeper, where it was supposed to be, he would have rushed away down stream.

our boat had Katie, who loved to splash people in the other boats; Santiago, who rowed to his own rhythm and no one else's; Alfred, who couldn't sit still and vocalized about his love for rafting every chance he got - except when he and Santiago started discussing what food they wish they could be eating at that moment ("shrimp, god, i want some shrimp!"); and Brianna, who was trepidatious (is that a word? I don't know if it is, but i like it anyway) about the whole thing but LOVED it as soon as we hit the first rapids.

and me, who whooped and hollered and had a huge smile plastered on my face the entire two hours!

Costa Rica!

The first three days we stayed with families in a small town (very small) about 2 hours from San Jose. The houses, for the most part, are not entirely enclosed. The walls go up and stop. The tin roof hovers over the walls about 12 inches or so. This allows for air to move through the house (that and the always open doors!). At first I had trepidation about it (the bugs!) but i got used to it and appreciated the moving air. I even got so i didn't mind the geckos that ran in and out, although i worried that the one in my bedroom would explore my bed at night.

So much to tell, but let's start with the animals and birds: howler monkeys jumping in the trees overhead as we soaked in the hot springs of the Arenal volcano; brilliantly colored birds in the trees next to our eating platform at the rainforest campground; a giant toad leaping away from me as i stepped out of my tent at the same campground; toucans and toucanettes! and a plethora of bugs that students kept finding and bringing around to show everyone. Also, in town, the dogs that are all allowed to run free - vastly different personalities from our babied and indulged house pets!

(in the picture above, that is me on the far left, in the black and white dress.)

la pura vida

going to costa rica, baby! soft silky air, sunshine, friendly people and the jungle! i'll be back just after april fool's day with a report about ziplining, volcanos, white water river rafting and everything.

the upside of being sick

yes there is an upside. i'm too tired to do anything so i read and i've read five books in as many days. this is what i love best! i think that's what i did when i was a child, more than anything else. always reading.

i didn't read anything earth-shatteringly good, but lots of fun stuff and books that are helpful for me. i know that my novel that is ALMOST perfect would BE perfect if i can just adjust the plot problems. reading these books has helped me rethink the novel and i am thinking that one chapter that comes in the middle of the book needs to be moved closer to the end. that one change (plus rewriting other things to catch the fallout) might be the thing that makes the book right.

now if only i had two more weeks of winter break, healthy and willing and able to spend time writing - that would be heaven!

the haze of a flu

damn i'm sick. i haven't had a flu this bad in a long time - full on headache and body ache and cough and all that goes with it. so it puts me in this hazy dreamy state that would be GREAT for writing if only i had the energy to write.

last night, as i did not sleep, i created. if only i could have created on a computer instead of inside my head. i had been reading a biography of C.S. Lewis (creator of the Narnia stories) and i thought about writing a novel about a man who is all manly-man, a regular guy, but who at the privacy of his computer creates a fantasy world starring a little girl. i imagine scenes such as him playing pick-up basketball with friends, then getting an inspiration about his story and, in doing so, missing a crucial shot. but he can't tell the guys because he has told no one about this story. and there it sits. i would like to do something with it rather than have it be the result of a fever dream, and left to wither away....

outside of my head, LA is really cold (for LA - this would be wonderfully comfortable and welcome weather to our relatives in Chicago!). i love that trees are changing color and there are some streets we can drive that feel like New England (as i imagine it might be) with all these golden and red and orange trees and leaves all over the street. beautiful especially with the blue sky and crisp, cold sunlight.

we are driving some of these streets because we are teaching rylan to drive. except there is not much teaching involved. as is usual for him, he studied us and other people intently for the last six months. he got his permit a week ago, and we began letting him drive and he is very cautious but does very well. he's aware of things around him and he's confident without getting cocky. of course, this is on quiet streets. eventually he will have to get on busier streets and deal with traffic.

okay, so there is some hazy babbling! i should have music on and i don't even have the energy to do that! if i did have the energy i would play the new John Legend cd that ry gave me for christmas. maybe tomorrow.

the sisters

my big goal: to smoosh three partly or fully written novels together into one. to make the five women in the three novels either sisters (3) or cousins (2). to create more tension with the interwoven narratives. to kill off one of the characters even though that is too too painful to contemplate. but it must be done.

started. and wow is it hard to take separate work and put it together as one. however, it is also a great deal of fun and challenge and takes wonderful creative energy which, after all, is the best part of being a writer.

on itunes repeat while i work: my mixtape of "heartbreaking songs."

Victory! and the let-down

Yaay we won!! Obama is our next president!

bittersweet victory however, since Prop 8 passed in california and now there will have to be all kinds of legal challenges to allow gays to marry. so all happiness for Obama is tempered with sadness and annoyance at Prop 8.

And now - what do i do with my time? no more obsessive poll tracking. No more trying to second guess what will happen. i am interested in Obama's cabinet choices, but not as much as i was in the election overall. and if i never hear another word about Sarah it would be too soon.

so.....back to writing. got several ideas for stories and i need to channel my obsessive internet reading into word-processing fiction writing. really.

high anxiety

it's saturday. the election is tuesday. i can't stop reading blogs: huffington post, the daily kos, talking points memo, politico and a new one to my list, filled with incomprehensible statistics, called fivethirtyeight.

so this is too much information and i keep trying to read the future in them like they are tea leaves, or the guts of some sacrificed animal. and of course i can't read the future, so i find myself agitated and worried.

there should be a name for this.

democrat-anxiety-syndrome.

pre-election traumatic disorder.

obsessive-polltracker disorder.

or not

okay, no serialized story for me. i tried to start one, but the pressure was immediately too much. the only way i can do a serial story is to just write the whole thing, then break it into pieces and post it. only after it's all done. so, okay, i chickened out.

it's beautiful and cold (for LA) today with clear skies and winds and lots of sun. this is when i feel lucky to live in LA.

and on itunes right now, Birdland by Weather Report because Rylan is getting into some jazz with his music lessons and so i am geting a lesson in jazz from him. i like it. just wish it had words.......

retreating to fantasy

okay, i give up. i have had enough of political blogs that go over (and over and over) the things McCain says about Obama, the poll numbers, and the miserable state of the economy.

time for some Tolkien or Pullman - perhaps i will re-read the Dark Materials books. or perhaps i should be writing and go back to my days of writing fantasy with elves and demons and magic. isn't that what you do when times are bad? escape into fantasy? isn't that why The Wizard of Oz movie was such a big hit at the end of the 30's?

my students were assigned to write a story using lines from Richard Hugo's triggering town essay. so i am now assigning myself the same task. maybe i will post it here - serialize it, a little bit every day.....

okay now i really have some work to do!

racism in america

wow, that title might be too strong for me. but it's what i've been thinking about all week. Sarah Palin is making veiled racist attacks on Obama, playing to the fears of voters who don't want a black man for president. Voters in some southern states are saying that if Obama is elected, the blacks will get "uppity." I hope (really really hard) that Obama is elected and then i hope we have four years of discussion about race and racism. it's time to move forward.

we left overt racism behind with the civil rights movement and have devolved into a subversive racism that is secret and silent and pervasive, but is never spoken about. yeah, i'm a white middle class woman, but i worked for years in South Central with young black men and women who had dropped out of high school and wanted that diploma - after time in gangs and in jails. does this qualify me to be an expert on race? no. but it means i have spoken to young people who feel so far removed from mainstream society that they operate in a different world and can't even imagine that they could be a part of the mainstream, that they can contribute.

Obama can go a long way to healing that without being too "scary" for most white folks. a dialogue on race, with lots of talking on all sides of the issue, can be painful and brutal and ultimately helpful and even, perhaps, uplifting. and it is so, so necessary.

songs with names

yeah, names. as in the name of an individual person. a student of mine, Giulia, had never heard the Beatles song, Julia. So I played it for her and she was pleased that it was such a beautiful song.

what do i get? Amy - "Amy, what you gonna do. I wish I could stay with you for a while, maybe longer if i do." band was the Pure Prairie League, a country-rock band in the 70's. it was corny and i hated it. still do.

i have better luck with my middle name. it's Lola. So I get "whatever Lola wants, Lola gets," from the Damn Yankees. And from the Kinks, "L-O-L-A, Lola, lo-lo-lo-lo-lola." you know, "she walks like a woman but talks like a man, oh my Lola."

i like those. those are good. now if only someone would write a better Amy song.

new addictions

damn. i just discovered facebook. so many of my students are on it, and i thought they would like to be on without teachers looking over their shoulders. but then i saw that a number of my colleagues are on it as well. so i had to join the party. and now i am checking it obsessively (like email) to see if anyone has written anything on my "wall." i will have to pace myself.

and now to sarah palin. my addiction is to read everything i can about her, to confirm that she is a horrible person. there isn't much because she just hasn't done that much which points to her lack of experience. is that a faulty argument? if she had more experience she would have done more evil things. actually, i think it's true. the longer she stays in office as governor, or heaven forbid becomes vice president, the more damage she will do. she is clearly vindictive. she clearly does NOT know how to compromise and work in cooperation with people who have different ideas from her. that's where McCain, Biden and Obama all have experience by having worked in the senate. she just bulldozes people who don't do what she wants. that's an autocrat, not the leader of a democracy.

i read about her in the Guardian and i cringe. What do people in the UK make of us that such a person could become the next vice-president? let's see: wants to teach creationism in schools, but not birth control, against all abortions, doesn't believe global warming is man-made, against gay marriage, and is for drilling in the Alaskan wilderness.

i want a bumper sticker that reads "another mother for Obama"

sigh. i have to stop reading about her. it's making me ill.

must end on a happy note. let's see . . . i will go get a bowl of ice cream. that will help.